One of the programs I teach on having difficult conversations asks individuals to think about how they got their way as a child. The responses are telling. You can imagine the range—from throwing a tantrum to wearing parents down with persistence, or even invoking fairness by saying, “X got to do this, why didn’t I?” In other words, our early strategies are often about winning. We learn to advocate, argue, and negotiate to get what we want.
But not everyone learned that way. Some people say, “I tried to be the nicest” or “I was the good kid.” For them, getting their way wasn’t about dominance—it was about being agreeable, pleasing others, and keeping the peace. They didn’t push—they adapted.
Here’s the thing: both of these early strategies shape how we lead. In the previous article, we explored how the desire to win can become a shadow—an impulse to control or dominate, even at the cost of relationships.
But there’s another side to that coin.
Sometimes, it’s not about wanting to win at all—it’s about not wanting to rock the boat. To not be the “nail that sticks up” and risks getting hit. It’s the instinct to keep things smooth, to prioritize harmony even when it means holding back.
That, too, is a shadow. A part of us that can hide beneath a mask of kindness, accommodation, and supportiveness. And while it might seem softer or more considerate, it can be just as limiting as the drive to control.
Let’s explore how the desire to keep the peace can quietly undermine authentic leadership—and how we can recognize when this softer shadow shows up.
The Nail That Sticks Up: Why We Avoid Disruption
In many cultures, the idea that the “nail that sticks up gets hit” shapes how we behave in social or professional settings. It’s a metaphor for the risk of standing out, and it drives a powerful instinct to stay quiet, agreeable, and unobtrusive.
But here’s the paradox: while aiming to avoid disruption, we can end up undermining our own integrity. By choosing silence over honesty or accommodation over authenticity, we lose the chance to bring our full selves to the table.
When Safety Becomes a Shield: The Shared Responsibility of Honesty
In many organizations, the concept of safety is vital—and rightly so. Creating a space where people feel secure enough to speak up without fear of retaliation is essential for healthy, transparent cultures. But here’s where it gets complicated: sometimes, the idea of safety gets distorted.
It’s not just leaders who might use safety as a shield. Team members, too, can claim they feel “unsafe” when uncomfortable truths are being discussed. When holding someone accountable or giving feedback is perceived as violating safety, it can shut down necessary conversations.
This is where we must be cautious not to put all the responsibility on leaders alone. If safety becomes synonymous with never feeling discomfort, we’ve missed the point. Leaders have a role in creating a psychologically safe environment, but team members also have a role in embracing the discomfort that growth can bring.
True safety doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or hard truths—it means creating a space where difficult conversations can happen without fear of punishment. It’s about balancing empathy with accountability, support with honesty.
Leadership isn’t about maintaining perpetual harmony; it’s about modeling how to navigate tension thoughtfully and truthfully. And everyone on the team—leaders and members alike—shares that responsibility.
When we hold back in the name of being agreeable, it doesn’t feel dishonest. We rationalize it as being considerate or kind.
- “I didn’t want to upset them.”
- “It wasn’t the right time.”
- “Better to support than to challenge.”
But beneath these justifications is often a more personal fear: What if they don’t like me? What if I make things uncomfortable? What if I’m seen as a problem?
It’s not that harmony itself is bad. It’s that when we choose harmony to avoid the risk of being real, we aren’t actually being supportive—we’re protecting ourselves.
It’s Human to Want Peace—And It’s Okay
It’s important to acknowledge that wanting to maintain harmony is a natural human impulse. It’s not wrong to value peace or to care about how others feel. In fact, these instincts often make us empathetic, thoughtful leaders.
The key is to recognize when that impulse becomes avoidance. When the desire to be liked or to not disrupt starts to silence our truth, it becomes a shadow—an unseen influence that shapes how we show up.
Leadership doesn’t mean we always confront or challenge. But it does mean we notice when our preference for calmness is actually a reluctance to take a stand.
Real Growth: Embracing Courageous Kindness
Growing past the peacekeeping shadow means cultivating a few key practices that help us balance honesty and harmony without sacrificing either.
1. Self-Awareness: Before Entering the Conversation
- Take a moment to ask yourself: “What’s my primary motivation here? Is it to maintain peace, or to address a real issue?”
- Notice your physical state: Are you feeling tense, hesitant, or overly cautious? Sometimes our bodies give away our intent before our minds catch up.
- Acknowledge your fear without judging it: “I’m worried that speaking up might make things uncomfortable, and that’s okay.”
2. Emotional Regulation: In the Heat of the Discussion
- Focus on maintaining a balanced tone and body language. If your voice becomes too soft or your posture retreats, gently bring yourself back to a more grounded presence.
- Own your interpretations by stating the data first, followed by your interpretation: “When the deadline was missed (data), I felt concerned that we might not be aligned (interpretation).” This helps frame your perspective without making it feel like an accusation.
- Practice brief, reflective pauses. It’s okay to take a moment before responding to emotionally charged comments. These pauses help you process and respond with intention rather than reaction.
3. Finding the “And” Space: Acknowledging Multiple Motivations
- Sometimes we want both peace and honesty. Instead of feeling torn, practice stating both: “I want us to feel respected, and I also want to be transparent about my perspective.”
- Avoid presenting honesty and kindness as mutually exclusive. Instead, frame your statements to reflect both: “I care about how you feel, and I also need to share this concern.”
4. Honoring Your Needs: Speaking Up While Staying Connected
- Clarify to yourself: “What do I really need from this conversation?” If it’s clarity, closure, or understanding, make that clear upfront.
- Be willing to show some vulnerability: “This feels hard to say, but it’s important to me.”
- Reinforce your intent: “I’m sharing this because I value our relationship, and I believe being honest will help us stay connected.”
5. Role Modeling Courageous Truth-Telling
- Great leaders don’t just talk about honesty—they model it. When a leader openly acknowledges their struggle to balance truth and harmony, it creates a safe space for others to do the same.
- Share your learning moments: “There was a time I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to upset the group. Looking back, I realized that honesty would have actually deepened trust.”
- Encourage your team to practice, too: “It’s okay to feel conflicted about speaking up. Let’s practice putting our thoughts on the table—respectfully and openly.”
- When others see leaders handling difficult conversations with grace and authenticity, it sets a precedent: it’s not just okay to be real—it’s expected.
Leaders who embrace courageous kindness learn to navigate the tension between being truthful and being considerate. They model a kind of strength that fosters both clarity and connection.
The most emotionally intelligent leaders we know aren’t the ones who always keep the peace. They’re the ones who can hold tension without retreating into agreeable silence.
Instead of choosing between truth and kindness, they practice courageous kindness—bringing honesty into the room without making it an attack. It means saying, “I value our relationship, and I also need to be real about this.”
By being honest without being harsh, they model a kind of strength that doesn’t sacrifice connection or authenticity.
What’s Your Peacekeeping Shadow?
Think about your own leadership. Where do you find yourself choosing peace over truth? Are there moments when you’ve avoided a difficult conversation because you didn’t want to disturb the calm?
Being honest about this pattern is the first step. It’s not about blaming yourself—it’s about seeing when your instinct to keep the peace is actually a shadow keeping you small.
