Some topics can be discussed once and easily understood. Others require regular reminders, surfacing again and again as we navigate real-world interactions. Defensiveness is one of those. Even when we recognize its impact, it has a way of creeping back into our conversations, shaping how we respond, and influencing what we take away from an exchange. The challenge isn’t just knowing defensiveness happens—it’s staying aware of when it’s happening to us in real time.
We’ve all been there—you walk away from a conversation, replaying what was said, and only then realize you were defensive. Or maybe you’re still in it, running an internal script about why you were right, why they were wrong, and maybe even questioning why they brought it up in the first place.
But here’s the real trap: defensiveness doesn’t just show up in the moment. It lingers. It hijacks our internal dialogue, turning us into detectives—building a case, proving a point, justifying our stance. And while we think we’re just processing, what’s actually happening is that our defensive instincts are running the show, steering us further from clarity, connection, and productive conversations. And the more emotionally activated we are, the harder it actually is to see the situation clearly. We become unreliable narrators to ourselves, filtering information in ways that confirm our own perspective rather than seeing the full picture.
What Tends to Trigger Defensiveness?
Defensiveness isn’t random. Certain triggers set it off, often rooted in how we interpret what’s being said rather than the actual words themselves. Some common ones include:
- Feeling Misunderstood – When we believe someone is misrepresenting our intent or perspective, we rush to correct them—often in a way that escalates the tension.
- Perceived Criticism – Even well-intended feedback can feel like an attack, triggering a need to defend ourselves or our actions.
- Loss of Control – When a conversation feels like it’s slipping away from our influence, defensiveness can emerge as a way to regain footing.
- Feeling Unappreciated or Undervalued – If we sense that our efforts, ideas, or contributions are being dismissed, we may react by justifying or over-explaining.
- A Hit to Our Identity – When feedback challenges a part of how we see ourselves (e.g., “I’m a good leader,” “I’m a thoughtful partner,” “I work hard”), it can feel personal, even when it’s not meant to be.
- Old Narratives Getting Activated – Sometimes, defensiveness isn’t just about the present moment—it’s about an old, stored narrative in our psyche that gets triggered. Past experiences shape how we hear feedback, making us react as if we are defending against something much bigger than the conversation at hand.
Understanding our triggers doesn’t eliminate defensiveness, but it gives us a crucial advantage: the ability to recognize when we’re stepping into it before it takes over.
What’s Really Happening in the Brain?
Neuroscience gives us a clearer picture of why defensiveness is so automatic. When we feel criticized—whether real or perceived—the brain treats it as a threat. The amygdala jumps into action, triggering a fight-or-flight response. In response, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for rational thought and self-regulation—experiences reduced activity, making it harder to think clearly and regulate emotions. However, with awareness and practice, the prefrontal cortex can re-engage more quickly, allowing us to regain control over our responses instead of being driven by emotional instinct.
This is why, in the moment, defensiveness feels like certainty. Our emotions flood in, reinforcing our perspective, making it harder to step back. The good news? Awareness is the first step in shifting this pattern.
How to Start Noticing (Before It Takes Over)
- Catch the Internal Narrator – When you find yourself mentally rehearsing why you were right, pause. That’s a sign your defensive instincts are leading the conversation inside your head.
- Name It to Tame It – Simply labeling what’s happening (“I’m in defensive mode”) can help re-engage the rational part of your brain.
- Check Your Body – Are your shoulders tight? Breath shallow? Jaw clenched? Defensiveness isn’t just mental—it’s physical. Spotting these cues can help you intervene earlier.
- Engage the Parasympathetic Nervous System with Extended Out-Breathing – Defensiveness puts us in a sympathetic (fight-or-flight) state, making it harder to think clearly or stay open. One of the fastest ways to counteract this is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps regulate stress and restore balance. A simple way to do this is through breath control, specifically extending the out-breath:
- Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds.
- Hold briefly for 1-2 seconds.
- Exhale slowly for 6-8 seconds through your mouth.
- Repeat a few times.
This signals to your nervous system that you are safe, lowering your heart rate and helping you regain control over your response. The longer out-breath slows the stress response, creating space between reacting and respondin
g. - Remind Yourself What Really Matters – Defensiveness often makes us focus on proving a point rather than achieving an actual outcome. Ask yourself:
- What’s my real goal in this conversation?
- What do I want to walk away with?
- Is proving I’m right more important than maintaining the relationship or solving the issue?
This quick mental reset shifts your intent from self-protection to purpose, helping you move out of reaction mode and into constructive engagement.
- Ask: What’s Another Possible Perspective? – Even if you don’t agree, challenging yourself to see the other side can loosen defensiveness and bring curiosity back into the conversation.
Shifting out of defensiveness isn’t about letting things slide—it’s about keeping control of your own reactions. The more we notice the signs, the more we can shift from reacting to responding. And that’s where real, productive conversations begin.
Have you noticed defensiveness hijacking your thinking? What helps you reset in the moment?
