I’ve been playing guitar for over 30 years, but recently I went back to taking lessons—to challenge myself and to reconnect with the basics through a fresh lens. Not long ago, my teacher stopped me mid-song and said, “You’re gripping the neck way too tightly.” I hadn’t even realized it. What I thought was focus and intention was actually tension—restricting my movement, slowing me down, and making the whole experience feel more like work than music. It was a reminder: sometimes we hold on so tightly that we lose the very thing we’re trying to create.
Some conversations unfold with ease. Others stall before they even begin—especially when we grip too tightly to an outcome. We don’t always realize we’re doing it. It can look like planning what to say next, steering every turn, or listening only for confirmation. But control—even well-intended—can squeeze the life out of a dialogue.
In my work helping leaders strengthen their conversational skills, I see this pattern all the time. As leaders, we often bring an action-orientation and a drive for results—traits that have likely contributed to our success. That instinct to take charge, to move things forward, often stems from an ability to control outcomes. But when it comes to getting work done through others, that same instinct can backfire. It can be hard to accept that influence doesn’t require control. In fact, learning to lead effective conversations often means giving up control—not because we lack the skills, but because we’re developing a different kind of skill set: one rooted in curiosity, presence, and shared ownership.
The Real Risk of Over-Control
When we grip too tightly, we leave little room for surprise, for co-creation, for the natural rhythm of dialogue. We may get the answer we wanted—but miss the moment we needed.
Common Triggers (Why Control Shows Up)
Identity Threats – We tend to grip the tightest when something about the conversation challenges how we see ourselves. When our competence, credibility, or value feels called into question, control can become a shield. It’s not always conscious, but the impulse is strong: take over, reassert, redirect. Understanding this link between identity and control gives us a chance to pause—to ask whether what’s being threatened is real, or just uncomfortable.
Uncertainty – When outcomes feel high-stakes, we default to control to protect against unpredictability. Fear of Failure – If we tie success to personal worth, we grip the reins to avoid any misstep. Past Experiences – If a previous conversation went off the rails, we may over-steer the next one to keep it “on track.” Time Pressure – When under time constraints, we mistake efficiency for effectiveness and push toward quick resolution. Desire to Help – Ironically, our good intentions (to support, solve, or guide) can sometimes crowd out the other person’s voice.
What’s Happening Internally (Brain + Behavior)
The illusion of control activates a sense of certainty, but not always clarity. Under stress, the brain seeks patterns and predictions, narrowing its focus—when what’s needed is expansion.
Clarity vs. Control
It’s easy to mistake clarity for control—especially in leadership roles. But they’re not the same. Control is about steering the outcome; clarity is about surfacing intent. When we lead with control, we may get compliance. But when we lead with clarity, we create alignment, understanding, and ownership. Making this shift isn’t easy. It requires us to speak clearly about what matters most—without trying to script the entire path. That’s a hard move, especially for action-oriented leaders used to driving results. But it’s also where trust grows and better ideas emerge. Clarity creates space. Control fills it.
Shifting from Control to Connection: Practical Moves
Self-Awareness
Check Your Body Just like defensiveness, control can show up physically—tight jaw, fast speech, furrowed brow. Catch it early, breathe into it, release.
Notice When You’re Driving the Whole Conversation Are you asking open-ended questions—or funneling someone toward a conclusion?
Mindset Shifts
Shift from Outcome to Curiosity Ask: What am I trying to make happen? What might happen if I let go a little?
Don’t Play Dumb Getting curious is powerful—but don’t confuse curiosity with pretending not to understand. It’s tempting to say, “Help me understand…” when we actually do understand—we just disagree. Using curiosity as a disguise for disagreement can feel patronizing and disingenuous. Instead, name the disagreement with respect. Real clarity grows from honesty, not pretense.
Learn to Transparently Share What’s Important Sometimes we grip tightly because we fear letting go means losing sight of what matters. But clarity and transparency aren’t the same as control. Practice stating your intent openly—what you care about, what’s at stake for you, and why the conversation matters. This creates alignment without dominance, and invites others to step in as partners, not passengers.
Relational Practices
Use a Grounding Phrase Try: “This isn’t mine to solve alone.” Or “What does this person need from me right now?”
Co-Define Success Say out loud: “Here’s what I’m hoping we walk away with—what about you?” Inviting shared authorship can diffuse the need to own the path and the outcome.
Extend the Silence Don’t rush to fill the gap. Let silence be a space, not a signal.
Control isn’t the enemy. But when it becomes the default, it crowds out the co-creative space where insight, trust, and shared ownership live.
The goal isn’t to give it all up—but to hold things lightly enough that others can step in too.
Where are the conversations where you grip too tightly? What happens when you loosen your hold?
Related Insight: When Defensiveness Takes the Wheel
If this idea resonates, you might also explore how defensiveness hijacks our internal dialogue. While control often shows up when we’re trying to steer a conversation toward a desired outcome, defensiveness tends to surface when we feel that outcome—or our identity—is under threat. Both patterns are rooted in the same need for safety, but they play out differently. One pushes to shape the conversation. The other reacts to protect our position in it.
You can read more about that dynamic here: [When Defensiveness Hijacks Your Internal Dialogue]
