We’ve explored how defensiveness hijacks our internal dialogue and how control can quietly close off connection. But there’s a third force—quieter still, yet just as disruptive: avoidance.
Avoidance doesn’t raise its voice. It doesn’t make a scene. In fact, it often disguises itself as patience, professionalism, or keeping the peace. Especially in organizations that prize harmony—or in leaders who see themselves as calm, measured, or conflict-averse—avoidance can be easy to overlook. But it has real costs. Over time, it quietly erodes trust, delays action, and leaves misalignment to fester just beneath the surface.
What Is Avoidance?
Avoidance is the conscious or unconscious decision to delay, dodge, or deflect a necessary conversation. It’s not always as obvious as ignoring an issue. It can show up as:
Changing the subject
Watering down feedback
Speaking in generalities
Making jokes to lighten the tension
Sending an email instead of having a direct conversation
At its core, avoidance is a protective move. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we care a lot—about preserving a relationship, maintaining a sense of peace, or protecting someone (often ourselves) from discomfort. But in trying to keep the surface smooth, we allow turbulence to grow underneath.
How Avoidance Develops Over Time
Avoidance doesn’t start in the workplace. Like most behavioral patterns, it’s shaped early.
As kids, we may have learned that certain topics were “off-limits” or that raising conflict brought punishment or emotional withdrawal.
As teens, we might have avoided peer confrontation to keep social standing or preserve fragile belonging.
In early careers, we often avoid speaking up to preserve our standing or not rock the boat.
By the time we step into leadership roles, these habits are well-rehearsed—and often rewarded. Leaders who avoid conflict are sometimes seen as “easy to work with” or “non-confrontational,” even when issues remain unresolved.
Why We Avoid: The Inner Logic
Avoidance isn’t laziness or apathy—it’s a response to perceived threat. At its core, it’s an emotional regulation strategy—we’re not avoiding the person or the topic, we’re avoiding the feeling we associate with bringing it up. Some of the most common inner narratives that drive avoidance include:
“It’s not worth it.” We minimize the issue or tell ourselves it’s too small to bring up.
“They’re not ready to hear it.” We project a reaction that may not even be real.
“I like to focus on people’s strengths.” This one can be especially tricky—because it sounds like wisdom. But when it’s used to justify silence about real issues, it becomes a mask for avoidance. Strengths-based leadership shouldn’t mean sidestepping difficult truths.
“I’ll handle it later.” We delay and delay, hoping the issue resolves itself.
“I don’t want to damage the relationship.” We assume that honesty will break rather than strengthen connection.
“What if I mess it up?” Perfectionism fuels paralysis—we avoid because we’re afraid of getting it wrong.
Avoidance is, at its core, an emotional regulation strategy. We’re not avoiding the person or the topic—we’re avoiding the feeling we associate with bringing it up.
The Cost of Avoidance
Avoidance may feel safe in the short-term, but its long-term effects are significant:
Trust Erodes – When people sense you’re not being honest or direct, even if unintentionally, it chips away at credibility.
Feedback Loses Its Power – When tough truths are continually softened or delayed, development stalls—for individuals and teams.
Patterns Repeat – Avoiding issues doesn’t make them go away. It allows them to take root and return, often with more force.
Resentment Builds – What starts as self-protection can evolve into bitterness or passive aggression.
Teams Drift – Unspoken tensions create relational distance, and small misalignments grow into big divides.
Why Avoidance Is Hard to Change
Unlike defensiveness (which often shows up as an intense reaction) or control (which we can spot in our behavior), avoidance is tricky to detect in real time. It’s defined by not doing something. And in the moment, doing nothing can feel completely reasonable.
What makes avoidance especially hard to shift:
It’s socially reinforced. We often praise leaders for “staying above the fray.”
It’s invisible to others—until it’s not. People don’t know what you’re holding back until the consequences surface.
It’s self-justified. The story we tell ourselves (“now’s not the right time,” “this will blow over”) often feels rational.
It’s emotionally protective. Avoidance serves a purpose—shielding us from discomfort we haven’t yet learned to navigate.
How to Spot Avoidance in Yourself
Check Your Delay Patterns – Are there conversations you keep postponing or hoping will resolve themselves?
Notice What You Rewrite in Your Head – Are you editing the real message to make it more palatable?
Watch for Substitutes – Are you emailing instead of calling? Joking instead of addressing? Hinting instead of stating?
Track Emotional Buildup – Are you harboring frustration but telling yourself it’s fine?
Ask: If I weren’t avoiding, what would I be doing right now?
What We Can Do About It
Avoidance is a habit—but it’s also a skill issue. And opening our mouths is often so much harder than staying silent. It’s vulnerable. It requires presence. It risks being misunderstood. But silence is a terrible teacher. Avoidance might buy us temporary relief, but it robs us of the practice we need to grow as communicators and leaders.
Having direct, respectful, and timely conversations takes practice. Here are some ways to start shifting:
1. Normalize Discomfort Discomfort isn’t a signal something is wrong. It’s often a sign that something important is happening. Learn to stay with it.
2. Name What You’re Avoiding Bring it into the light. Even saying to yourself, “I’ve been avoiding this,” shifts it from unconscious to conscious.
3. Start Smaller Than You Think You don’t need to tackle the biggest conversation first. Build the muscle. Begin with a conversation that feels safe but slightly outside your comfort zone.
4. Use Framing to Lower Defensiveness Try, “I’ve been thinking about something that might be a little uncomfortable, but I want to bring it up because it matters to me and I think it’ll help us work better together.”
5. Set a Time Limit The conversation doesn’t need to be perfect or long. Even 10 minutes of clarity beats days of lingering tension.
6. Ask for Accountability Let a trusted peer or coach know what you’ve been avoiding and ask them to check in. Bringing others in breaks the secrecy cycle.
7. Reflect Afterward What actually happened vs. what you feared would happen? Most of the time, it’s not nearly as bad as we imagined.
Avoidance isn’t weakness. It’s an adaptive strategy that once served a purpose—but may now be costing you more than it protects. The shift isn’t about becoming confrontational. It’s about becoming courageous.
You’ve got the instincts. You’ve got the insight. Now build the reps.
Where is avoidance shaping your leadership right now? What conversation might be waiting just beneath the surface?
